after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
