seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's never too late to be topless.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
