Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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