Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
