I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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