I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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