Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
