I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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