Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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