he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
