Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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