1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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