Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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