I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
