I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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