Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You're like the curious george of whores
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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