Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
