There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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