Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
