is your mom at the bar?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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