can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
