i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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