i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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