Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
