I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
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Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
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Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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