yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
