I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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