Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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