More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
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me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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