Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That accounts for only three of the penises
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
