i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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