just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
