Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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