She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
did you just send me my own nude
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
