My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
