Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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