My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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