Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
