Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
