this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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