So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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