if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
look no pants
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
