i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
