margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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