what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
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There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
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Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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