I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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