you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
