Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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