How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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