3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude i'm inner monologue high
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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