the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she pinky promised me she was 18
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
