Swine flu. Run for my life!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
