Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
