His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
