the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
