Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
